2010!

Time is a relative concept. Without the past, there will not be a future. And vice versa.

The year of 2009 seemed to zoom by in a blink of my eye. It was as if I had just celebrated the beginning of 2009 and then fast forwarded to 2010. The pace had been so scary and quite exhaustive.

2009 was an eventful year.

I lost love and found love.

I had cried and I had laughed.

I found friends, and enemies too.

I lost materially and gained spiritually.

All in all, perhaps I can say that it was a year of losses and gains, in all senses.

Perhaps thats life, one can only gain when one lose and one can only lose when one is pushed through trials and tribulations.

With the coming of a new year, there will definitely be much challenges and of course much to be gained and definitely as much to be lost. I am enthusiastic in welcoming the new year cos I look forward to new experiences and venturing across new boundaries in my life journey. Yet, I am also quite cautious about leaping too fast into the new year, for I had learned a couple of lessons from the prior year. Looking with careful and widened eyes before I leap, for fear of falling into a treacherous pit yet again.

With the coming of 2010, I resolute to have the determination and patience to pursue my goals, without any procrastinations. Life is too short to waste any time on anything, and any regrets. Decisions have to be made without regrets and I pray for the courage to pursue my goals without hesitations or doubts. At the same time, I seek the maturity to be able to look back at my decisions with critics and have the same acceptance for praises and chides alike.

2010, I welcome with open arms and I pray that it will be a better year than 2009.

Happy new year everyone!

Mummy, this is for you.

无法可修饰的一对手
带出温暖永远在背后
总是罗嗦始终关注
不懂珍惜太內疚

沉醉於音階她不赞赏
母亲的爱卻永远未退让
决心冲开心中挣扎
亲恩终可報答

春风化雨暖透我的心 一生眷顾无言地送赠

是你多么温馨的目光
教我坚毅望着前路
叮嘱我跌倒不应放弃

沒法解释怎可报尽亲恩
爱意宽大是无限
请准我说声真的爱你

仍记起温馨的一对手
始终給我照顾未变样
理想今天终于等到
分享光辉盼做到

Beyond’s 真的爱你

I am free now..

My company had some Christmas celebration thingy on Tue and it seem the ENTIRE company knew that I will be leaving already. So it was kinda weird to be playing games with my soon-to-be-ex colleagues. Oh well, cest la vie.

Anyway, some of the bosses came over and talked to me about why I am leaving. Of cos, I couldn’t give them the real reason. So just told them my prettily made up excuse. Heh.

Made me quite nostalgic about my years there; afterall, I had already spent 5 years of my life there, learnt lots of things, and met lots of people. To be fair, my bosses did really treat me well, I had never been told off even though I committed lots of silly mistakes. As much as possible, they really did provide me with what I requested for. I was grateful for them.

To the point that I am kinda regretting leaving.

Until I realized the pay that my replacement was getting.. Well, actually I already knew that I was underpaid and besides she is more qualified than me, but the idea of knowing that your boss can afford to pay you more but didn’t, sucks big time. Gosh..

Thats not to say I am not grateful towards my bosses for all the care that they have shown me all these while. As the Chinese saying goes, 饮水思原, I won’t be what I am today without them. They opened my eyes and taught me a lot of things, and these are the things that cannot be quantified over a mere hundred dollars per month.

Anyway, all things being equal, I am glad that I have finally taken the big step to move to a new stage in life. Decisions once made should not be regretted cos regrets tie you down from soaring higher.

For once in my life, I feel free now. Finally.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

May everyone be at peace with themselves and the world be a happier place!

The end is near?

I watched the show 2012 today. For those uninitiated, that is a another Armageddon themed show, just that it really out-do its predecessors with lots and lots of very good cinematography and stunning scenes of massive destructions.

There were also scenes of good byes, teary regrets etc; those scenes always tug my heart when I saw it. How does anyone ever, ever know how to break the news to your loved ones that you are not gonna see them anymore? Its quite possibly the most cruel thing that anyone can do to their loved ones.

Then, I began to ask myself, what will I do if I know that today is my last day on earth?

Quite possibly, the first thing that will come to my mind will be how much regrets will I have and followed by how deep are these regrets. Because I strongly believe that every single human have regrets at some point in their life, one way or another. One who has no regrets in his life is either too egoistic to admit or have not really live his life at all. I for one tend to believe that its usually the former.

Anyway, back to question.

I have come to the conclusion that I will probably just sit in a corner waiting for the roof to collapse on me and still will not know what to do. I still have so many things that I wanna do with my life! So many things to tell my loved ones, so much experiences to share, so many experiences to live, so much knowledge to learn, so many places to go.. The list is never exhaustive.

Eelin once told me that in the Bible, when the end is really near, everyone will be caught by surprise. No one will be able to foresee or predict the end. There will be no realization, just purely shock and the end.

Its scary, very scary. Though, in a twisted and optimistic way, such an end can be quite merciful too. No realization means no preparations. Preparing for one’s death is a very sick way to pass one’s remaining time.

I am dozing off here now, so gonna roger out and go lie on my bed with that question in my head. Perhaps you should too.

I am leaving, not on a jet plane though.

I planned to write something about my work and my boss today, on this very wee morning.

Then I decided against it, there are just too many ears on the Internet these days, one never knows when one’s blog entries will one day come and bite one on her big fat arse. Better be safe than sorry.

Well you see, I have decided to leave the company that I worked with, after being there for almost 5 years. Throughout, I had written like a total of probably 20 love letters and hand in to my boss for a total 3 times. Each time, I retracted it back cos I just did not have the courage to walk away from my comfort zone. Besides, I really do love my job.

This time however, I have really made up my mind to leave everything that I had built up for the past 5 years, well at least coming to 5 years.

Suffice to say that I feel myself getting stagnant like the water in an old vase and that I am getting too overwhelmed by the changes in my company and the additional responsibilities that I am given, lets just also say that I think I just cannot see myself seeing eye to eye with my boss anymore, even though we may be of the same height. Heh!

Anyway, my last day with the company shall be on the last day of 2009, 2 months before I reach my 5 years anniversary there.

Of course there is the never ending fear that is always at the back of my head whenever I think about the unknown challenges that I am going to face, after having walked out of the comfortable and bright path that I have been walking for the previous 5 years or so. Its always very, VERY scary to not know where you are gonna end up when you venture out from your comfort zone.

There are also the nagging thoughts that one gets from oneself by giving up what one have built up over the past few years. 5 years may not be a long time, but neither can it be said that its short. Relationships, experiences, lessons learnt are the much valuable attributes that cannot be quantified and it is definitely not a very smart move to let them go pass while you move on.

I am totally terrified by these thoughts, and the terror is compounded by my bosses everyday, from Singapore to Australia. Yet, I really do not see myself staying there in the long run. Too many factors, too many reasons, end of the day, I just feel demoralized and getting a tad too comfortable in my comfort zone. I need something to push me forward to new experiences. Staying in a single dot does lead to a dull mind after all.

So..

I decided to give up everything and move on, to new challenges and new territory. As much as I am totally freaked out by that thought, I believe its really time to move on.

Wish me luck!

Selfishness in survival

After spending almost the past decade, 7 years to be exact, of my life in the working world, I have managed to become slightly, just slightly smarter. No longer as naive, no longer that trusting and definitely much more confident about myself. Well, just slightly better overall. I am just too unease to conclude that I am waaayyyy better than 7 years ago.

The one thing I learnt very well is perhaps, shall I be that daring as to conclude that it is the one thing that everyone should keep in mind, that every man for himself. One for all, and all for one is the most ridiculous thing and dumbest thing that I ever heard. The very thought of it is enough to make me wanna go LOL.

人不为己，天诛地灭。

Simply put, heaven and earth will see the ends before man puts others before self. If my rusty Chinese language serves me right.

Or in another even more simpler sense, every man for himself.

I may not be as simple and naive as I was when I graduated but neither am I that egoistic to say that I have gained a lot of experience in human behaviour but I can safely say that my idea of human as a selfless creature is totally thrashed the moment I started working.

Yet, I am neither disillusioned and neither saddened by this thought, for the very fact that being selfish is the most fundamental trait of being human, and all living things in general.

Because its all about survival.

Selfishness ensures survival, period.

And I sure as hell need much polishing on my survival skills, read, I need to be as selfish as possible.

Well, at least while I am trying to survival in the harsh corporate jungle.

Happiness is around the corner

I used to think that being in love is to be absolutely crazy, helplessly and totally irrational about him.

I was wrong. Totally wrong.

Love brings out the best in you. As much as it tickles your heart crazily and passionately, it should still allow you to think rationally and logically.

There will still the same daily thoughts of him, the longings for his hugs when the world around you seems too crazy and torrential for you to manage.

There will still be the thoughts of how much you want him to be happy, how you want to see him laugh and smile in your eyes.

There  will still be those sudden flashes of thoughts of the moments that you spent with him, those happy moments when you wish time will just stand still for the two of you.

Yet deep down in the midst of such an emotional storm of love, feelings, passions, there is this little calm spot that you know you have to save it for yourself, a place where you call your own personality.

It is no longer the case where you think you should lose yourself  totally and be all crazy to the point where you do not know what is happening, when things are happening too fast for you to catch up and you are always so breathless from trying to find yourself in the midst of all the craziness.

There is love and there is love. The faster it spins, the faster you will fall. It is those that slowly carry you to the pinnacle in a dreamlike sensation, will you be able to fully enjoy the moment.

It is no longer an irrational and breathless tornado, rather, its a calm and comfortable sea breeze that makes you all alive with passion and happiness.

Happiness is around the corner

你是我的幸福吗?

总是相信有更好的,
会在前方,

就不顾一切的飘洋过海去,
用尽一生寻找

倦了累了渴望拥抱,
却找不到,

才忽然想起你还在我身后,
静静等着我,给我依靠

你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人如此忧郁,
爱情渐渐模糊,
你的付出,
我总不够清楚

你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人变得忧郁,
我爱你不再怀疑,
只想对你说,
我愿意..

总是相信有更好的,
会在前方,

就不顾一切的飘洋过海去,
用尽一生寻找

倦了累了渴望拥抱,
却找不到,

才忽然想起你还在我身后,
静静等着我,给我依靠

你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人如此忧郁,
爱情渐渐模糊,
你的付出,
我总不够清楚

你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人变得忧郁,
我爱你不再怀疑,
只想对你说,
我愿意..

You know you are in love when….

You know you are in love when….

- Your entire day just brightens up when you see his smile

- You start your days and end your days with him in your mind

- You smile when you see him smile

- You wanna touch him whenever you can

- You love the way he looked when he is deep in concentration playing jigsaw puzzle

- You wanna hold on to him forever

- You are worried whenever he is driving home at night

- You love the way he hugged you tightly at night

- You love the way he smells

- You love all his silly antics

- You rather you be the sick one instead of him

- You cannot wait to hold his hands at the end of every day

-  Just the thought of him is enough to make you smile in your heart