The end is near?

I watched the show 2012 today. For those uninitiated, that is a another Armageddon themed show, just that it really out-do its predecessors with lots and lots of very good cinematography and stunning scenes of massive destructions.

There were also scenes of good byes, teary regrets etc; those scenes always tug my heart when I saw it. How does anyone ever, ever know how to break the news to your loved ones that you are not gonna see them anymore? Its quite possibly the most cruel thing that anyone can do to their loved ones.

Then, I began to ask myself, what will I do if I know that today is my last day on earth?

Quite possibly, the first thing that will come to my mind will be how much regrets will I have and followed by how deep are these regrets. Because I strongly believe that every single human have regrets at some point in their life, one way or another. One who has no regrets in his life is either too egoistic to admit or have not really live his life at all. I for one tend to believe that its usually the former.

Anyway, back to question.

I have come to the conclusion that I will probably just sit in a corner waiting for the roof to collapse on me and still will not know what to do. I still have so many things that I wanna do with my life! So many things to tell my loved ones, so much experiences to share, so many experiences to live, so much knowledge to learn, so many places to go.. The list is never exhaustive.

Eelin once told me that in the Bible, when the end is really near, everyone will be caught by surprise. No one will be able to foresee or predict the end. There will be no realization, just purely shock and the end.

Its scary, very scary. Though, in a twisted and optimistic way, such an end can be quite merciful too. No realization means no preparations. Preparing for one’s death is a very sick way to pass one’s remaining time.

I am dozing off here now, so gonna roger out and go lie on my bed with that question in my head. Perhaps you should too.

I am leaving, not on a jet plane though.

I planned to write something about my work and my boss today, on this very wee morning.

Then I decided against it, there are just too many ears on the Internet these days, one never knows when one’s blog entries will one day come and bite one on her big fat arse. Better be safe than sorry.

Well you see, I have decided to leave the company that I worked with, after being there for almost 5 years. Throughout, I had written like a total of probably 20 love letters and hand in to my boss for a total 3 times. Each time, I retracted it back cos I just did not have the courage to walk away from my comfort zone. Besides, I really do love my job.

This time however, I have really made up my mind to leave everything that I had built up for the past 5 years, well at least coming to 5 years.

Suffice to say that I feel myself getting stagnant like the water in an old vase and that I am getting too overwhelmed by the changes in my company and the additional responsibilities that I am given, lets just also say that I think I just cannot see myself seeing eye to eye with my boss anymore, even though we may be of the same height. Heh!

Anyway, my last day with the company shall be on the last day of 2009, 2 months before I reach my 5 years anniversary there.

Of course there is the never ending fear that is always at the back of my head whenever I think about the unknown challenges that I am going to face, after having walked out of the comfortable and bright path that I have been walking for the previous 5 years or so. Its always very, VERY scary to not know where you are gonna end up when you venture out from your comfort zone.

There are also the nagging thoughts that one gets from oneself by giving up what one have built up over the past few years. 5 years may not be a long time, but neither can it be said that its short. Relationships, experiences, lessons learnt are the much valuable attributes that cannot be quantified and it is definitely not a very smart move to let them go pass while you move on.

I am totally terrified by these thoughts, and the terror is compounded by my bosses everyday, from Singapore to Australia. Yet, I really do not see myself staying there in the long run. Too many factors, too many reasons, end of the day, I just feel demoralized and getting a tad too comfortable in my comfort zone. I need something to push me forward to new experiences. Staying in a single dot does lead to a dull mind after all.

So..

I decided to give up everything and move on, to new challenges and new territory. As much as I am totally freaked out by that thought, I believe its really time to move on.

Wish me luck!

Selfishness in survival

After spending almost the past decade, 7 years to be exact, of my life in the working world, I have managed to become slightly, just slightly smarter. No longer as naive, no longer that trusting and definitely much more confident about myself. Well, just slightly better overall. I am just too unease to conclude that I am waaayyyy better than 7 years ago.

The one thing I learnt very well is perhaps, shall I be that daring as to conclude that it is the one thing that everyone should keep in mind, that every man for himself. One for all, and all for one is the most ridiculous thing and dumbest thing that I ever heard. The very thought of it is enough to make me wanna go LOL.

人不为己，天诛地灭。

Simply put, heaven and earth will see the ends before man puts others before self. If my rusty Chinese language serves me right.

Or in another even more simpler sense, every man for himself.

I may not be as simple and naive as I was when I graduated but neither am I that egoistic to say that I have gained a lot of experience in human behaviour but I can safely say that my idea of human as a selfless creature is totally thrashed the moment I started working.

Yet, I am neither disillusioned and neither saddened by this thought, for the very fact that being selfish is the most fundamental trait of being human, and all living things in general.

Because its all about survival.

Selfishness ensures survival, period.

And I sure as hell need much polishing on my survival skills, read, I need to be as selfish as possible.

Well, at least while I am trying to survival in the harsh corporate jungle.

Happiness is around the corner

I used to think that being in love is to be absolutely crazy, helplessly and totally irrational about him.

I was wrong. Totally wrong.

Love brings out the best in you. As much as it tickles your heart crazily and passionately, it should still allow you to think rationally and logically.

There will still the same daily thoughts of him, the longings for his hugs when the world around you seems too crazy and torrential for you to manage.

There will still be the thoughts of how much you want him to be happy, how you want to see him laugh and smile in your eyes.

There  will still be those sudden flashes of thoughts of the moments that you spent with him, those happy moments when you wish time will just stand still for the two of you.

Yet deep down in the midst of such an emotional storm of love, feelings, passions, there is this little calm spot that you know you have to save it for yourself, a place where you call your own personality.

It is no longer the case where you think you should lose yourself  totally and be all crazy to the point where you do not know what is happening, when things are happening too fast for you to catch up and you are always so breathless from trying to find yourself in the midst of all the craziness.

There is love and there is love. The faster it spins, the faster you will fall. It is those that slowly carry you to the pinnacle in a dreamlike sensation, will you be able to fully enjoy the moment.

It is no longer an irrational and breathless tornado, rather, its a calm and comfortable sea breeze that makes you all alive with passion and happiness.

Happiness is around the corner

你是我的幸福吗?

总是相信有更好的,
会在前方,

就不顾一切的飘洋过海去,
用尽一生寻找

倦了累了渴望拥抱,
却找不到,

才忽然想起你还在我身后,
静静等着我,给我依靠

你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人如此忧郁,
爱情渐渐模糊,
你的付出,
我总不够清楚

你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人变得忧郁,
我爱你不再怀疑,
只想对你说,
我愿意..

总是相信有更好的,
会在前方,

就不顾一切的飘洋过海去,
用尽一生寻找

倦了累了渴望拥抱,
却找不到,

才忽然想起你还在我身后,
静静等着我,给我依靠

你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人如此忧郁,
爱情渐渐模糊,
你的付出,
我总不够清楚

你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人变得忧郁,
我爱你不再怀疑,
只想对你说,
我愿意..

You know you are in love when….

You know you are in love when….

- Your entire day just brightens up when you see his smile

- You start your days and end your days with him in your mind

- You smile when you see him smile

- You wanna touch him whenever you can

- You love the way he looked when he is deep in concentration playing jigsaw puzzle

- You wanna hold on to him forever

- You are worried whenever he is driving home at night

- You love the way he hugged you tightly at night

- You love the way he smells

- You love all his silly antics

- You rather you be the sick one instead of him

- You cannot wait to hold his hands at the end of every day

-  Just the thought of him is enough to make you smile in your heart

We are happy

He is happy, I am happy.

Enuff said.

Argh crap.

Everyone has a past and I totally seriously really really hate mine.

Technology has advanced so much these days, why can’t there be an invention that will zap away my memories and pain of all that happened in the past? I will give anything for that.

Argh crap.

Fruit Paradise

Ziz and me found this Fruits Paradise place that serve some really pretty fruit tarts, and I really do mean those pretty-until-don-feel-like-eating-cos-its-too-pretty kind of prettiness!

The first one was inside the Japanese themed restaurant Manpuku at Tampines One shopping mall and the other one a cafe by itself inside the new, grossly confusing labyrinth of a shopping place at Orchard Central.

Check out the 3 kind of tarts that we had tried so far!

Price is a little steep though but its definitely worth it!

Dilemmas, dilemmas

There must be times in your life when you are no longer satisfied by anything, or by whatever is happening around you. Its like you have reached a crossroad in your life and you are in a dilemma as to what should be the direction that you need to take. Some paths will lead you to danger, some to unknown territories, some to lala land, some to your objectives. The scariest thing is that there will be more than 1 crossroads in your life, in fact, every where you go, you are bound to meet a crossroad somehow.

I am currently at a cross road and I feel stagnant, the kind of feeling that you will get whenever you have no idea what the hell you are doing with your life, why you are living the way, the job that you are holding does not satisfy you, the work you are doing is meaningless. There just isn’t something that you look forward to in your life and you are like suck in a bottomless pit of nothingness.

Once again, I need to move my arse and get out of this current cross road, standing in the middle of one is freakish cos there are just too many paths and no guides that I can rely on. Where do I go from here? Should I take the known path where its safe to walk or should I venture down an unfamiliar route but one which may lead me to exciting adventures? Gosh, I am so lost…!

I keep telling myself that I should never stay in a job for too long, I need different challenges and need to stay active, and yet I am feeling very stagnant. I see myself doing the same things that I am doing now, 3 years down the road and this very thought is sucking the breath out of me, its totally making me hyperventilating!

Yet, one lives in the reality and the current reality is not vanilla at the moment, especially for employees.

Should I be impulsive and quit without having a job or should I take the safe path and find a job before I quit?

Sigh..