•May 17, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Been a long time since I am here.
So much things have changed.

I am a mother now. A mother of two beautiful little beings that I do not think I deserve to have. I mean, I had been through a lot to have them but the truth is that, I think they are just too wonderful for me.

The funny thing about having children is that it makes you vulnerable. A self-doubt kind of vulnerability that can really eats into your very core.

At the end of the day, I just want to see them smile and be happy. And I am scare that I am not doing enough to give them that happiness.

I need more time to get into writing again.


The phonecall

•September 19, 2010 • 1 Comment

I was having dinner with the girls last night, when I received a phonecall from mummy dearest halfway through the dinner.

“Jinghua, where are you now?” My mum’s flustered voice came out from the mobile.

“At dinner with my friends, why?

“Are you watching Channel 8 now?” My mum was really sounding very excited now.

“No, I already told you I am at dinner with my friends, how to watch TV siah?” -.-”

“Channel 8 showing people wedding leh, very pretty! You never watch, go watch now!”

“I am at a dinner OUTSIDE, how to watch TV lah!”

“Ok ok, later you go home watch, the weddings very nice!”

I have no idea which was more frustrating, the fact that my mother (A) did not seem to understand Chinese or (B) thought that Channel 8 shows would last 3 hours until I reach home, (C) was hinting for me to have my own wedding.

Better Said

•May 14, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Who said they’d be with me night and day?

Who said they’d be with me come what may ?

Who said I would never hurt again ?

Was it you who said ?

Who said no one else could take my place ?

Who said i wouldn’t need a just in case ?

Who said there were happy times ahead ?

Was it you who said ?

You said you’d be with me night and day

You said you’d be with me come what may

You said we’d be happy all the time

It was you who said

By Cinephile


•May 7, 2010 • Leave a Comment

According to Aristophanes, man was born in a form that is twice of what we have now, literally. Specifically, man had 4 hands and 4 legs and if wished, man had the ability to tumble round and round to hasten his travelling speed, much like how a tumbleweed roll across the dry desert.

Well, as with all stories, all would be fine, except that man became ambitious, at least according to Mr Aristophanes. He rose up against the gods. And we all know what would result when such happened. The gods got angry but at the same time, Mount Olympia was filled with doubt and dilemma. Sure, the gods with their might and strength, could squash the puny little man without any effort, a bolt of lightning would do the trick just fine. But of cos, there were the consequences.

You see, man had something that the gods wanted; their adorations and sacrifices and worships. Without the puny little man’s sacrifices or worships, the gods, well, wouldn’t be gods anymore!

Yet, they could not suffer the insolences that man threw it in their faces. How could the son rise up against the father! Such arrogance!

So, Zeus, in a dramatic way to teach man a lesson in humility said, ” I have a plan which will humble their pride and improve their manners; men shall continue to exist, but I will cut them in two and then they will be diminished in strength and increased in numbers; this will have the advantage of making them more profitable to us. They shall walk upright on two legs, and if they continue insolent and will not be quiet, I will split them again and they shall hop about on a single leg.” (According to Aristophanes, Plato’s Symposium)

And thus, man now exist as 2 legged, 2 hand creature, no longer able to tumble. Half souled creatures that spend his lifetime seeking the other part of his soul to complete himself.

Thus, the term “soulmates” and the search for them.

Which lead us to the next possible question; how many of us have found their soul mate already? And how do we know that its the true one?

Perhaps, that is one of those mind boggling million dollar questions that we, puny little man will never be able to answer. Or perhaps there isn’t even  any answer to that question at all..

So, have you found your soul mate yet?

My self worth = zilch.

•April 6, 2010 • Leave a Comment

When you think about it, there are only so much stuff that one can consider to be life’s achievements; career, family, wealth, trophy spouses, social status, even love. The commonality between all these items are their superficiality, material status that has a super high chance of getting eroded over time. The time frame of erosion can be through a couple of generations or it can just be over your lifetime. At the end of the day, whatever that you owned right now has is not permanent, it is transient, it will never last forever. Like a handful of sand that you are holding, the little pieces of silicon will slip through your fingers slowly one piece at a time and surely but slowly, soon, you will have nothing in your hand.

So, why then are so many people concerned over such material possessions? And, the emphasis that we placed on these superficiality is so great that we are actually measuring each other’s worth through our possession. In most cases, I am certain that most are aware about the limited lifespan of such material belongings because it does not take a much wit to understand that nothing last forever. Therefore the question became, why have so many ignore or forget that whatever accomplishments or achievements that they have are not permanent, not gonna last forever?

The more I think about it, the more I am beginning to suspect that it could be a case of second best, i.e.: there isn’t any other things that we humans can use as yardsticks to measure our self worth and as such, superficiality got pushed up to the top of the list. And it ended up being so important that we have forgotten that its just a case of the second best, that we place such importance on it cos we do not have any choices in the first place at all.

This is so sad, too pathetic. We are actually living out our limited existence, wasting our chance in our short lifespan chasing superficiality, a notion that we place so much emphasis on because we do not have any other choices to use as a measurement for our self worth.

And the next question shall be, what then should be a proper measurement of our worthiness? How do we decide who is more achieved and who is totally worthless?

However I think about this question, I always came back to the same answer. The only tangible measurement of worth is only through our material belongings.

Sigh.. This therefore conclude my self worth. Since I have such limited and pathetic superficial belongings, it will logically imply that I am not a worthy person. At the end of the day, I am so worth nothing. Zilch.

Writer’s block again. Fuck.

•April 1, 2010 • Leave a Comment

This empty white writing page was opened on my desktop for the entire day. I wanna write something but for the life of me, I did not know what to write. There is just nothing in my mind to justify putting on this white cyber writing pad.


I am quite uncomfortable with this cos I really wanna write something, I have so much to say but probably its precisely cos there are too many stuff jammed up tight in my puny little brain that I simply have no idea how to bring forth all the items and portray them accurately into a singular blog entry here. Too much rubbish in one’s brain really screws up one’s ability to coherently express oneself.

Its very very frustrating to say the least.

I wanna write something!

Someone give me a subject matter to start on so that I can fill this page satisfactorily with enough rubbish for thoughts!



Gives you hell

•March 30, 2010 • Leave a Comment