Lone ranger

I worked till 6pm today. Exactly 6pm and I stepped out of the office. I was prepared to continue working, perhaps all through the night if if possible but I was too tired. My body did not want to cooperate with my mind anymore. And the office was getting very hot and stuffy with the air-con turned off.

You asked, “why work until so late on a weekend? Why not go out and have fun, enjoy yourself and relax?”

Two reasons. One, I have a lot of work which does not seem to be able to get over and done with. If I do not clear them, my boss will probably chop my head off and use it as a soccer ball.

The second reason is more melodramatic. I guess there really is nothing for me to look forward to and nothing for me to enjoy during the weekend. Even if I am not working, I will most probably be rotting at home, staring at my iBook and surfing the net.

It was dark when I reached home. My parents were out, dating. My dog was locked in the kitchen and my sis was all dressed out and preparing to go out and enjoy her Sat night.

“Where were you the whole day?” Sis asked the moment she saw me.

“Work lah, what else.”

“The whole day? Tot you went out after your work…”

So there you go, thats me, with my pathetic life. Its not that I do not want to go out and have fun but nothing much interests me these days. Christ, even my boss asked me not to always stay in the office until so late and go out have fun, meet some boys, or maybe even date some of the guys in the office..

And reading through some of the blogs about how these guys went out to watch shows with their wives, how they are enjoying their married lives with their other halves, just make the loneliness even more acute.. (Incidentally, I am listening to Akon’s Lonely on iTunes.. Drats…)

Anyway.. I used to think that I want to stay single and be carefree. I do not want to get involved perhaps cos I have no confidence in myself or relationships. Its too complicated for a simple girl like me to get into, I hate to get entangled into relationships, or perhaps its just cos I am trying to protect myself. Whatever the case, I just want to be left alone.

Yet, it seems that there is always something missing. I am not saying that I need a man to complete my life or whatever crap like that. I am talking about companionship or just the basic human-to-human communication and interactions. Coming back home after a long day at work on a weekend and seeing that your house was emptied of laughters, smiles, talks, gossiping etc, just does not seem right. And hearing your brother saying sweet nothings and flirting with his girlfriend on the phone, your sister all dressed up to meet her boyfriend and remembering that your parents were out dating just makes the loneliness even worse.

There was this classic anecdote which I often tell my friends. One Sunday afternoon, my sis and bro brought their other half back home. My parents were in the bedroom laughing at one of their silly jokes again, my bro was having breakfast together his girl and my sis was playing with Ozzie with her boyfriend. I was the only who was facing an inorganic mater, my PC and my lappie. All of them were laughing with another human while I can only tap in silent on my iB or my PC.. At first, I was too engrossed in my tapping and then suddenly I realized that the house seemed to be more alive. There were laughters and barkings (Ozzie) all around. I looked up from my stuff and then just had this funny feeling that I did not belong at all. I felt forgotten and left out. So I did the next best thing, I took my iB into my room, locked the door and then went to sleep. On a clear Sunday late morning.

Well, at least now I am being kept busy by my work. Lets just hope that I can continue staying as busy like this so I do not have to be reminded that forgotten feeling again. Or whatever melodramatic shit.

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~ by blurfroggie on September 24, 2005.

11 Responses to “Lone ranger”

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  11. I can very much relate to your post. I’m glad I came upon it. I was basically looking for something similar, yet nothing in particular.

    It’s not a rare experience these days to not feel as though you belong or to feel a sense of anomie, or a sense of depression vis a vis the way us humans have chosen to live.

    In some respect, we could be making better choices, choices that would better suit our needs. The problem is humans are out of touch with themselves, in general, and do not appear to know what those needs are. But it’s no one’s fault per se, things are moving so quickly by human devising and we are so busy that humans generally have time to reflect on themselves, to discover who they are, to make better decisions.

    I realize that no one person is going to fulfill all of my needs and if they do, it’s either because I only thought I knew what my needs were or my needs were not really my needs.
    In order to be self-actualized, to realize my potential my needs need to be met, our needs need to be met.

    If my potential is nurtured, why would I not want other people’s potentials nurtured. It would or could be a type of selfishness or cultural consditioning or ignorance or any combination of those.

    My potential or any individual’s potential and self-actualizing depends on other people’s positive contribution to planet earth, natural laws, in general.

    There is just so much of my personality, brain that can be developped when there is pollution in the sources of life. Pollution stunts people’s growth.

    It’s no wonder people are not fundamentally happy these days. How can they be?

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