The Call

•March 26, 2010 • Leave a Comment
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Iris = cockroach. Period.

•March 26, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I am trying to put my thoughts into words here but for some reason, I can’t find anything that can truly express what I am thinking now.

To summarize, I suck. In anything I do. Simplicity at its best: I suck, period.

The more I think about it, the more it began to dawn upon me that I have never excel in anything that I venture into before.

School. Work. Personal relationships. Christ, I even suck in the games that I played!

This momentary self realization just get so much emphasized upon when I am alone and on bed thinking about the days of my life.

Thus, one can’t help wondering, why on earth was I given the chance to come into this world? When it seems that nothing I did is ever right, when I did not made any contribution at all? Why send another feeder or parasite to this world when its already been overpopulated? God, if there ever was one, already knows how strained it already is at the current situation, too much feeders, too little resources.

Sigh.. I am feeling like the cockroach that landed on my sister arm in the mid of the night, 2 nights ago. One that deserved to be exterminated on the spot, flattened, squashed and decapitated without a second thought. Another pest that only provides irritants and misery to everyone and anyone.

Anyway, that cockroach that woke my entire family up in the middle of the night at 3am was finally squashed by my father.

Good riddance.

I hope I do.

•March 25, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I always believe that the essence of life is hope. A simple four letter word that encompasses so much and that which brings about strength and deliverance and most of all, a flicker of light that promises salvation.

When we wake up everyday from our warm beds, the very first thoughts that cross our minds will the challenges that we will be facing and the journey that we will be taking onward for the day till the moment we lie back into the same bed for a good night rest.

Well, of cos, I am not talking about the more mundane stuff such as needing to take the first dump of the day, for that is a different story altogether. Heh.

So, back to the topic. What then spurs us, or propel us to even pull ourselves from our bed?

Hope. For without hope, there will be no motivation to even wake up or even push ourselves up from the bed. I mean, what for do I want to wake up and go about the day if I did not harbour any minute crumble of hope that my day shall be better than the previous? The simple answer will be that I hope that I will have a better day than yesterday, one that will further enrich my life journey.

It was said that Pandora unwittingly shut hope out when she closed her magical box momentarily too early after letting out all the anguish in the world that we are seeing today.

I do not believe this to be true. We see manifestations of hope everyday. In a mother’s eyes, from an old woman’s prayers in the church, a dog’s wagging of its tail when she is greeting her master home, a child’s smile at the candy shop, a girl’s laughters from her lover’s tease..

Why is it then I can’t seem to find myself hoping for a better day then? Why is it that every morning, I felt like closing my eyes again and shutting myself out from the reality? Why do I keep wishing that I can turn my head from the world every morning when I wake up?

Am I thus losing hope?

Perhaps, I have already lost it.

Will I find it back then?

I hope I do.

Possible asylum get away

•March 9, 2010 • Leave a Comment

The days dragged on into weeks, the into months, and before I knew it, I am already out of job for 2 months already. The experience has been great, contrary to what most people think, its not really that scary to be out of job. Sure, there is no income, sure, you have to live frugally and see your cash outflow without any balancing inflow into your bank account, but there are always more tangible benefits to this part of the deal.

Basically, I can do what I want, live my life according to my own schedule. I do not have to be fixed into a tight notched 8-5 schedule. I can plan my life according to how I like it, when I like it.

Of cos, this deal is not permanent. I still have so much responsibilities and obligations that I need to fulfil. Life is always about trade off. And I am obliged to trade my freedom for money. That very thought sucks to the max. Besides this, Singapore is such a superficial society that whenever you mentioned that you are socially disengaged to anyone, they just go blur and looked at you with such a sad face that one can’t help being disgusted by oneself. My self worth gets depreciated daily to the point that I am waking up everyday thinking if I would even find a job ever.

I never regretted my decision to quit my job, I know I really need to move on. I mean, why stay on when I could not even conjured up an image in my little brain of myself in the same place 1 year down the road. Read, its only just 1 year, not 5 years. Hell, I could not even imagine myself in the same place 1 more month down the road. I mean, my employers were good to me but I feel stagnant, not developed, not growing, just working every day for the sake of working is crazily crazily, well, crazy..!

Tell me, how can I even survive there for 1 more year? I think I will just end up in an asylum!

Jobs, freedom, jobs, freedom.. Sigh.. I want freedom but I need a job. My worth is being quantified by my tangible value and at the moment, its zilch, I am worthless, a parasite piece of shit that does not provide any contribution to anyone.

Ironically, I am happy finally when I am free to do what I want but yet, my happiness is being eroded slowly and cruelly everyday..

I feel like a lab rat in a plastic labyrinth, the end destination is to a death trap with cheese, and I am just taking a long route there, enjoying myself on route to my destination, the cheese always on my mind but so is the death trap.

Sigh..



i love YOU

•February 16, 2010 • Leave a Comment

從你眼睛 看著自己
最幸福的倒影
握在手心的默契
是明天的指引

無論是遠近 什麼世紀
在天堂擁抱 或荒野流離

我愛你 我敢去
未知的 任何命運
我愛你 我願意
准你來跋扈的決定 世界邊境

偶爾我真的不懂你
又有誰真懂自己
往往兩個人多親密
是透過傷害來證明

像焦慮不安 我就任性
怕洩漏你怕 所以你生氣

我愛你 讓我聽
你的疲憊和恐懼
我愛你 我想親
你倔強到極限的心

我撐起所有愛圍成風雨的禁地
擋狂風豪雨 想讓你喘口氣
被劃破的信心 需要時間痊癒
夢想纏著懷疑 未來看不清
就緊緊的擁抱去傳遞
能量和勇氣 我愛你

我愛你 我想去
未知的 任何命運

我愛你 讓我聽
你的疲憊和恐懼
我愛你 我想親
你倔強到極限的心

哪裡都一起去
一起仰望星星
一起走出森林
一起品嘗回憶
一起誤會妒忌
一起雨過天晴
一起更懂自己
一起找到意義

我愛你
我不要沒有你
我不能沒有你
決不能沒有你

2010!

•January 1, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Time is a relative concept. Without the past, there will not be a future. And vice versa.

The year of 2009 seemed to zoom by in a blink of my eye. It was as if I had just celebrated the beginning of 2009 and then fast forwarded to 2010. The pace had been so scary and quite exhaustive.

2009 was an eventful year.

I lost love and found love.

I had cried and I had laughed.

I found friends, and enemies too.

I lost materially and gained spiritually.

All in all, perhaps I can say that it was a year of losses and gains, in all senses.

Perhaps thats life, one can only gain when one lose and one can only lose when one is pushed through trials and tribulations.

With the coming of a new year, there will definitely be much challenges and of course much to be gained and definitely as much to be lost. I am enthusiastic in welcoming the new year cos I look forward to new experiences and venturing across new boundaries in my life journey. Yet, I am also quite cautious about leaping too fast into the new year, for I had learned a couple of lessons from the prior year. Looking with careful and widened eyes before I leap, for fear of falling into a treacherous pit yet again.

With the coming of 2010, I resolute to have the determination and patience to pursue my goals, without any procrastinations. Life is too short to waste any time on anything, and any regrets. Decisions have to be made without regrets and I pray for the courage to pursue my goals without hesitations or doubts. At the same time, I seek the maturity to be able to look back at my decisions with critics and have the same acceptance for praises and chides alike.

2010, I welcome with open arms and I pray that it will be a better year than 2009.

Happy new year everyone! 🙂

Mummy, this is for you.

•December 26, 2009 • Leave a Comment

无法可修饰的一对手
带出温暖永远在背后
总是罗嗦始终关注
不懂珍惜太內疚

沉醉於音階她不赞赏
母亲的爱卻永远未退让
决心冲开心中挣扎
亲恩终可報答

春风化雨暖透我的心 一生眷顾无言地送赠

是你多么温馨的目光
教我坚毅望着前路
叮嘱我跌倒不应放弃

沒法解释怎可报尽亲恩
爱意宽大是无限
请准我说声真的爱你

仍记起温馨的一对手
始终給我照顾未变样
理想今天终于等到
分享光辉盼做到

Beyond’s 真的爱你